made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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