Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
