please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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