I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
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Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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