go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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