the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
