so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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