false alarm. still invincible.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
