I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I met the friendliest cop last night
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
