you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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