he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
