I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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