The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
