I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
