I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
