I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
