I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
