mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
