I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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