JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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