So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
