someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
