when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
