I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
