ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
