I cannot find my penis.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
