The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
