i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
