Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
