Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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