textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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