What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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