I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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