she smelled like a LAN party
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
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Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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