we have pet lesbian snakes
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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