I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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