Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It was confusing and full of hummus
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize