The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
