haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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