I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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