Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
