I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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