I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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