but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
