Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
