Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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