dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
