I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
