i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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