Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
