I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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