Moan for me like Helen Keller
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
