I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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