im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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