I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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